Motherhood is a Life-Sucking Pretentious B*tch

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No matter how much you admire your mother or how fascinated you are with your now responsible married friends, you will never truly grasp how astounding motherhood is until you become a mother yourself. But even then, you’ll still find how difficult it is to fully comprehend its vastness.

While most mothers would melodramatically describe how seeing their child smile to them for the first time was the moment they realized they were now a parent, my “moment” occurred while I was in the toilet a few days ago. After about an hour of exhausting all of my techniques to put my four-month old to sleep, I was finally able to run to the bathroom to pee. But just as I was about to give a long sigh of relief, I heard him again, this time with a screeching, more demanding cry. He hates it when he wakes up at night and not feel my presence within two feet. And he makes sure that he’s making a strong statement. Between his helpless cries echoing around the house and my defenseless state of just waiting to finish peeing, I had an epiphany: this was motherhood.

Between his helpless cries echoing around the house and my defenseless state of just waiting to finish peeing, I had an epiphany: this was motherhood.

“Life will never be the same,” everyone told me before, during, and after I gave birth. Turned out, I didn’t need that much reminder, given that his first six weeks in this world found me struggling

, crying at times, because it seemed like all he ever lived for was how my arms were carrying him 24/7. Sounds utterly sweet, but only if you completely have nothing else to do in this life, like eat, take a shower, or scratch your back. Never mind the weight that he was gaining day by day, what drove me insane was the fact that I couldn’t even do anything else without my baby crying the second I put him down. Perhaps it would have been a bit bearable had he not been keeping me up all night, every night.

Horror stories about motherhood are no fiction. You often find yourself wanting to just run away, it doesn’t matter where; just away from all the noise, fatigue, and disappointments you put upon yourself because you, the same person who carried him for nine months inside your body, is not even capable of understanding him. I found myself talking to my mom friends, asking for tips, venting out. But as I would learn the hard way that every child was indeed unique, I came to a point where I resorted to talking to strangers through online parenting blogs and forums.

Still, no one understood what I was going through. Including myself. I knew I just received the best gift in the world but it was awfully hard for me to realize it.

It’s true, motherhood is life-sucking. It sucks the life out of you as you so abruptly realize that an unplanned brunch with your old friend, a much-needed weekend getaway, or just another carefree Friday night are no longer things that you get to enjoy anytime you want. Going out may mean a whole month of planning and strategizing on whom to leave your child to and how to escape without him noticing your absence. It replaces the life you’re so used to with something more meaningful. Such a cliche but you’ll slowly grow mature enough to realize that happiness doesn’t always require you to have a cocktail in your hand and to get a divine pair of shoes every payday.

Motherhood is pretentious. It is. When you become a mother you realize just how hard it is and you’ll inevitably wonder how your own mother managed to make it look so easy. I have four siblings, with just 1-2 years age gap. My mom was a full-time mom until I, the youngest, started kindergarten. We never had long-term nannies and house helpers and my father’s job required him to be out of the city several times in a month. I can’t imagine just how difficult it must be for my mother to take care of five little tots with different needs running around the house while she cooked, did the laundry, and whatnot. I knew she could be overwhelmed at times but mostly, it appeared as if she was pretending like everything was alright. Like her, there really are mothers who manage to make motherhood look glamorous, effortlessly stepping out of the house looking radiant with no trace of exasperation.

Motherhood is a b*tch. Just when you decide to give up and go back to your easy life (as if it’s possible), you hear a bossy voice telling you to stop being a lazy wimp. This not-so little voice will push you around with every possible insult until you get back on your feet and do what you need to do. It’s the force that will make you feel selfish whenever you try to find happiness without your little one. It’s what makes you feel irresponsible whenever you’re asking your husband or mother to look after your child because you need to clean the mess building up in your closet. It’s that b*tch that’s making you an assiduous mother.

Fast forward to present day. My little boy is now turning five months old and saying that we’ve come a long way since our sleepless nights is an understatement. Nearing his third month, he already developed a routine, including a very convenient ten-hour sleep at night. This welcoming change is a testament of how we should just let go and allow things to happen. Be patient in adjusting to your new life addition. Don’t be in a hurry to become an expert mom. There may be perfect mothers but I don’t think there’ll ever be a master mother.

The moment you change your mental disposition, you become a stronger, more driven mother. I can’t remember when exactly but I remember how I suddenly decided to just forget about the fact that I love sleeping and just embrace the reality that I may never be able to sleep properly again for the next eighteen years. After all, they say sleep is for the weak. And there’s just no room for weakness in motherhood. Motherhood requires teamwork. Learn to understand and accept your teammate and always find ways to improve your game plan.

In that short bathroom epiphany, I found myself smiling. Three months ago, I would have gruntled and felt cheated on in this world. If you’re still on that stage, don’t feel bad. You’re not a bad a person. Eventually, you’ll realize how beautiful it is that of the billions of people in this world, you are the chosen one of someone. You’re the only person who can take away his fear of the dark, who can calm him down when he cannot understand whether he’s sleepy, hungry, or just needed to fart. You have a new life. But right now, you are somebody’s life.

I’m finally starting to experience the beautiful promises of motherhood. After a long day at work, I always look forward to going home to my baby. I no longer mind missing out on dinner with friends. I make the most of the few hours that I get to catch up with my little hero, giggling with him, taking photos of him, while making sure I help in his mental and emotional development as much as I can. And when it’s bedtime, I still sing the same lullaby that I sang when he was still a few days old, when no kind of music could calm him down—only this time, I’m a better singer. ♥

 

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